I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
