My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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