Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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