I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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