Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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