I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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