Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
