apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
