And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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