I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
