I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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