omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
