New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
