She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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