I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
