Nicole vs. Life
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
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