Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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