I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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