How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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