I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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