dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I puked off the balcony.
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
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It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
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I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???