There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.