She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in