hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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