I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Banned from zoo.
Again?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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