I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
you made out with another girl for some wings
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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