Me too!
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
