So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
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theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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