Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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