Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
