Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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