I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
