im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
She is in my trunk
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
