By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just cut my nipple shaving
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
