I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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