3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
