he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
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