Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
