fuck your aforementioned shoe
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
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She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
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dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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