I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
