drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
