I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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