I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
