I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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