shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
