dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
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Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
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I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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