Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
