i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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