I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
