Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
