So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I just forgot I was standing up.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
