dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
