I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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