i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
