When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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