just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
