Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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