Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
