I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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