i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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