i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
